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This is a significant departure from how you managed your dilemma in the past. On the other, the emotional toll of keeping this secret is so agonizing that you feel like you might burst-to the point where you’re finally coming out and sharing your secret with me. On the one hand, you want to do what you’ve always done-keep things to yourself. Why, on this particular week, did they pick up the phone and call me, when their problem may have been going on for months or years or decades? I ask because generally when people take the step of reaching out, it means they’re ready-consciously or not-for change. When people sit on my couch during a first therapy session, I want to know not just why they’ve come in, but why now. Because that, it seems, is what you’re essentially asking. Now, at age 65, you’re asking how sharing the truth might affect your boss, your mother, and your friends, but I want to suggest that we look at your question from another angle: how it might affect you. After all, it’s a basic human need to be who we really are-and for others to know us as we really are-and the ache you’re experiencing is the ache of an incarcerated self, a self that’s been held in solitary confinement.
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I can only imagine the depth of your pain after more than six decades of pretending to be someone you’re not. Then again, what benefit would it be to my boss, my elderly mother, or my friends to know the truth? I will probably take the secret of my sexuality to the grave and everyone will just think I was a nice guy. If I say nothing, this feeling will eventually subside and he will never know and we will remain friends. I don’t want to discuss my feelings with him, because I don’t want to put him in a difficult position or jeopardize our friendship. I think about him constantly, even when I try to keep myself busy with hobbies and friends. I love his intelligence, wit, and interest in life. Now I am again infatuated, this time with my male boss. Eventually I get over these crushes, and we remain good friends without my ever saying anything. I have secretly fallen in love with male friends over the years, but never told them, as they are heterosexual and usually in a relationship. I always joke about never meeting the right girl, and how I love traveling so I could never settle down. My friends probably suspect I am gay, but we have never discussed it. I am gay but have never admitted this to anyone.